Complications, Luck and Guilt

It’s been about four years since my ophthalmologist first found some tiny bleeds in my eyes.  And by “tiny” I mean so minuscule that I just need to go in every six months for a dilated exam to keep tabs on their status.  Each time I go in, Dr. C either finds no change at all or finds that one leak has cleared up but another itty bitty leak has formed.  Thursday it was time to go in again, and I’ll admit I was feeling very nervous about what she would find this time.  Because honestly, lately it feels like I’ve been getting more bad news than good, and so I’ve got quite a pessimistic outlook these days.

This time, however, the news was good!  Really good!!  Both eyes are now 100% clear of any leaks and bleeds or any other problems other than my astigmatism and extreme nearsightedness - neither of which are diabetes related.  Although Dr. C feels we could go back to yearly dilations, she prefers that I continue to come every six months.  This is because I’ve been diabetic for such a long time, and she’d really like to catch any problems as early as possible. Now let me tell you, I really despise getting my pupils blown up as large as they can stretch and then being forced into what feels like the equivalent of staring straight into the sun on a clear summer day.  But I do agree with Dr. C about catching things early, so I made my appointment to go back in September for more torture my next exam.

As I left the office, something Dr. C said stuck with me.  She said “Although you’ve had diabetes for so long, I’m not that worried about you because you have such great control.”  That statement has been nagging at me since last week.  While it’s true that my A1Cs have been just where we want them to be for almost four years, that doesn’t mean my control is always great . . . .  because as we all know, a bunch of crappy numbers can still average out to an okay A1C.  But even if we assume that I did have great control since 2008, that certainly doesn’t make up for the 20+ years I spent with less than stellar (to put it mildly) control.  With this in mind, I told her that I think the whole complication thing comes down to a little hard work and a whole lot of luck.

For me, this is where the Major Complication Guilt sets in.  I’m very glad to be fairly complication free after 32 years with this disease.  I'm overjoyed that my eyes are in great shape once again.  It really is quite a blessing - but that makes me feel guilty because it’s a blessing I don’t feel I deserve.  I have plenty of friends who have worked much harder than I did over the years, and yet they are battling complications from this beastly disease.  Why them?  Why not me?  And why does diabetes have to pile on a boatload of guilt along with all of its other garbage??