My Big Fat Diabetes Wallow Day . . .

I’m going to say it flat out . . . . diabetes is a huge pain in the ass.  That said, I usually do try to stay positive.  Although I do my best to keep my blog honest and real, I still try to keep things mostly upbeat.  In “real life” I do my best to put a good spin on things and not let it get me down.  But not yesterday . . . .

Yesterday I couldn’t stand diabetes and every damn crappy thing that comes with it.  I was sick and tired of dealing day in and day out.  I felt so depressed and sorry for myself - and for all of my friends who fight the fight every day.  I felt too exhausted and fed up to solider on.  I couldn’t care less about tuning up or overhauling.  I just didn’t want to do it anymore.  I know there are quite a few things that led up to this melt-down and I know exactly what pushed me over the edge.  Honestly, that final straw was something so stupid that I won’t even waste my time or yours writing about it, except to say I know the exact moment when it all was just too much to handle.

So here I was, pissed off and fed up with diabetes.  I started thinking about the Friends For Life session I attended called Burnout Happens.  Joe Solowiejczyk, a long-time friend of FFL, a CDE and a man who just marked his 50-year diaversary, ran the session.  He talked about learning to take a sort of diabetes mental health day when it all gets to be too much.  Joe buys his favorite ice cream, lines up his favorite movies, and makes a phone schedule for his friends so someone will call every hour and tell him how great he does with diabetes.  I decided to give something similar a try for myself.


 The first thing I did was eat a donut for breakfast.  I decided to spend the day on the couch.  I never changed out of my pajamas, and I certainly didn’t consider getting on the treadmill.  I ate rice crispy treats.  I watched movies that always make me cry.  I ate chocolate.  I snuggled with my cat.  I ate ice cream straight from the container.  Like Joe, I counted my carbs and bolused for everything, but I didn’t worry or even care about any blood sugar spikes.  (In fact, I set my CGM alarm on silence for 24 hours, so I wouldn’t have to hear it’s shrill “look, look, you fucked up again” screeches.)  For one day, I allowed myself to think the thoughts and feel the feelings that I usually try so hard to squelch.  I let myself feel broken.  I let myself feel like a failure.  I let myself feel worthless.  I let myself be heartbroken about the fact that I’ve lived with diabetes for over 31 years.  I let myself feel depressed that diabetes just isn’t going to leave.  I wallowed big time.  And then I ate more chocolate.  The only thing I hadn’t set up was the words of encouragement from friends - but I was touched and thankful that they rolled in anyway.


I went to bed feeling ready for a long sleep.  I was surprised to find I slept better than I have in months.  And today I woke up feeling strong!  I woke up feeling ready to be positive about myself and supportive to others.  I woke up feeling like I actually did get a little vacation.

Honestly, we all know a day of wallowing won’t take away diabetes or change anything about it.  I’m certainly not telling anyone to sack out on the couch and eat a lot of junk.  But for me, a day to cry and curse and mope and eat a ton of crap was just what I needed.  It didn’t change a thing about diabetes, but helped change how I feel about dealing with it.  It was just what I needed to adjust my attitude, pick myself back up, and soldier on.